The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
´Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."
Monday, May 2, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Paraprosdokians
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. Enjoy!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire , but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put " A DOCTOR."
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clearconscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Some cause happiness wherever they go.. Others, whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
I don't understand all I know.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire , but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put " A DOCTOR."
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clearconscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Some cause happiness wherever they go.. Others, whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
I don't understand all I know.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Red Neck Church
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for
the purchase of a chandelier because none of the
members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what
bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help
take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel
drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't
get out of" (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last
names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something
too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with
the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now,
Ya hear".
God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for
the purchase of a chandelier because none of the
members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what
bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help
take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel
drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't
get out of" (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last
names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something
too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with
the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now,
Ya hear".
God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
There are only nine questions
This is a quiz for people who know
everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn';t.
These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight
answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know
the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing
seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only
two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the
bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn';t been
cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters '; dw';
and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.
Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter
';S.';
Answers To Quiz:
1... The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know
the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls .
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it
every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing
seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The
bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on
the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears
are ripe, they are snipped
off at the stems.
6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle..
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon,
dash, hyphen, apostrophe,question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets,
parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked,
or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with ';S';: Shoes,
socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn';t.
These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight
answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know
the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing
seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only
two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the
bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn';t been
cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters '; dw';
and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.
Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter
';S.';
Answers To Quiz:
1... The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know
the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls .
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it
every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing
seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The
bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on
the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears
are ripe, they are snipped
off at the stems.
6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle..
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon,
dash, hyphen, apostrophe,question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets,
parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked,
or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with ';S';: Shoes,
socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
CDC ALERT
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Raed tihs Maesgse
Eonvrye who can raed this rsaie your hnad.
This is weird, but interesting!
If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too
Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor
of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in
what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Disorder in the Court
These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS. OH GOD, PLEASE HELP US ALL!
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