The Wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

McD Application

Subject: McDonald's Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! (original editor's note: I would have hired him too!!)

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA HA, but seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It s#cked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Kids Are Quick

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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth lett er of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Favorite Hymns

Dentist's Hymn...............................Crown Him with Many Crowns

Weatherman's Hymn.....................There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

Contractor's Hymn.........................The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn...........................Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn..........................There's a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn......................Standing on the Promises

Optometrist's Hymn........................Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent's Hymn....................I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn..........................Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn.....................Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn.........................Sweet Bye and Bye

The Realtor's Hymn............................I've Got a Mansion Just over the Hilltop

The Massage Therapists Hymn.......He Touched Me

The Doctor's Hymn............................The Great Physician


For those traveling...


45mph....................God W ill Take Care of You

65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee

85mph...................This World Is Not My Home

95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home

100mph..................Precious Memories

Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
Ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, Fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
Exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
Hamburger, Fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his
Pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
Waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
Salad," says the man. "Same ," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
It on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
Every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
Wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
Put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
There."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
For as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
Money is always there," says the ma n.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
With a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts,
'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
'Okay,' he says,'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'

Rude Airline Passenger

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'Kiss My Foot!!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, ( I love this bit ).................

'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'