Favorite Hymns

Dentist's Hymn...............................Crown Him with Many Crowns

Weatherman's Hymn.....................There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

Contractor's Hymn.........................The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn...........................Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn..........................There's a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn......................Standing on the Promises

Optometrist's Hymn........................Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent's Hymn....................I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn..........................Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn.....................Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn.........................Sweet Bye and Bye

The Realtor's Hymn............................I've Got a Mansion Just over the Hilltop

The Massage Therapists Hymn.......He Touched Me

The Doctor's Hymn............................The Great Physician


For those traveling...


45mph....................God W ill Take Care of You

65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee

85mph...................This World Is Not My Home

95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home

100mph..................Precious Memories

Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
Ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, Fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
Exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
Hamburger, Fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his
Pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
Waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
Salad," says the man. "Same ," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
It on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
Every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
Wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
Put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
There."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
For as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
Money is always there," says the ma n.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
With a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts,
'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
'Okay,' he says,'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'

Rude Airline Passenger

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'Kiss My Foot!!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, ( I love this bit ).................

'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

Funny Q & A

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up on It

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take the Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It (I love that one!)

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag


20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a West Virginia Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!

Wisdom

'If you don't read the newspaper
you are uninformed, if you do
read the newspaper you are
misinformed.'-Mark Twain


Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress....
But then I repeat myself.-Mark Twain


I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy


Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)


Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University


Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian


Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)


Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it . If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.-Ronald Reagan (1986)



I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers


If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke


In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)


Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)


No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )


Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown



The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan


The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill


The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.-Mark Twain


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)



There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain



What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)


A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

Three Little Pigs

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her first grade class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home..

She read, '...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but mayI have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said -
'Well, I'll be!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

What women want

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur ..
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!

Save the Bears

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi served together as university chaplains. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard; a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

So they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, the three clergymen met to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery said proudly, "When I met the bear, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! Right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Only great minds can read this...

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

CHANGE

The buzzword of this political campaign season is 'CHANGE'.
Candidates toss it around without really saying what they want to change to.

There's an old sea-story in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines in the field, and afterward told the 'Gunny' that the men smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested the solution might be they should change their underwear.

The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!'

He then went straight into the squad tent and announced,

'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!'

The moral: A candidate may promise change in Washington , but don't count on things smelling any better.

Yard Work - As Viewed from Heaven

God: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature; what in the world is
going on down there in the U.S.? What happened to the dandelions, violets,
thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of green.

St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God: Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing there?

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they cut it....sometimes two times a week.

God: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God: Now let me get this straight...they fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, sir.

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You aren't going to believe this Lord, but when the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

God: No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

St Francis: After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.

God: Oveigh!

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. 'I've had a pretty good life,' the twenty proclaimed. 'Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean '

'Wow!' said the one-dollar bill. 'You've really had an exciting life!'

'So tell me,' says the twenty, 'where have you been throughout your lifetime?'

The one dollar bill replies, 'Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .'

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, 'What's a church?'

Blonde Curtains

A Blonde goes to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy curtains. She tells the clerk, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.

The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

She shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'

'Seventeen inches?' asked the clerk. 'That sounds very small. What room are they for?'

The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room. They are for my new computer monitor.

The surprised clerk replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'

The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows.......

AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."
- Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man; a debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, (Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University)

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it; If it keeps moving, regulate it...and if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

Political Chicken Controversy

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the
need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the
other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right
from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

Ways to Improve Your Health

Do these things and be a happier,healthier person!

Brush twice a day!

Get plenty of rest.

Make sure your hair is dry before going outside.

Always wear a seatbelt.

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Ah, Retirement

Working people frequently ask retired people what they
do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went
into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5
minutes. When we cameout, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Dip stick. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Mary called him a stupidhead.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to h ave a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

North Carolina Humor

The owner of a golf course in North Carolina ( a redneck, you guessed it) was confused about paying an invoice. He decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of North Carolina and I need some help."

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those North Carolina women.

Old but Sharp

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Telephone Poles

Tennessee Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job".

Both teams headed right out.

At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Duke, the redneck guys came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Duke and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Bubba, "but you should see how much they left stickin ' out of the ground!

5 Surgeons

Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.....There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Gentle thoughts for today

Gentle thoughts for today.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seemworth waiting in line for.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN. .!!

Signs and Business Cards

Anesthesiologist business card:
When you care enough to sleep with the very best.
**************************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit please back in.'
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
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At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
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On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
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On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
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At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
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On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
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On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
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At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
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At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be'
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In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
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At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
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And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak