What?!!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever... so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And an all time favorite:
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights
work?

Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
span."


The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......


On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

A Story about Mommy

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

´Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."