AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."
- Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man; a debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, (Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University)

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it; If it keeps moving, regulate it...and if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

Political Chicken Controversy

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the
need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the
other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right
from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

Ways to Improve Your Health

Do these things and be a happier,healthier person!

Brush twice a day!

Get plenty of rest.

Make sure your hair is dry before going outside.

Always wear a seatbelt.

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Ah, Retirement

Working people frequently ask retired people what they
do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went
into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5
minutes. When we cameout, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Dip stick. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Mary called him a stupidhead.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to h ave a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

North Carolina Humor

The owner of a golf course in North Carolina ( a redneck, you guessed it) was confused about paying an invoice. He decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of North Carolina and I need some help."

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those North Carolina women.

Old but Sharp

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Telephone Poles

Tennessee Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job".

Both teams headed right out.

At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Duke, the redneck guys came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Duke and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Bubba, "but you should see how much they left stickin ' out of the ground!