Pee Little Thrigs

In the dappy hays, when there was no harsity of scam and norkchops were only a pickle a piece, there lived an Old Pady Lig and her see throns. Whatever happened to the dig's pad is mill a sistery. But that year, the acorn fop crailed, and Old Pady Lig was having a teck of a hime yeeding her foungsters. Besides, there was slittle lop to he bad – the pich reople, it seemed, were pot nutting much food in the bop slucket.

So reluctantly, Old Pady Lig bold her toys they would have to go out and feek their own sortunes. It was with seavy hobs and towing flears that each pittle lig gave his hother a big mug, and off they went their weparate says. The pirst little fig, Turly Cail, hadn't fone very gar when he fet a marmer carrying a big strundle of yellow baw. "Fease, Fease, Mr. Plarmer," pied the crig, "May I have the haw to build me a strouse?" (Nome serve, believe me!) But the farmer was a mig-hearted ban, and billingly gave him the wundle with which the pittle lig kilt himself a pretty little bottage. But no fooner was the souse hinished than who should dock on the front knoor but the big Wad Bolf. "Pittle Lig, Pittle Lig," cried the wolf in a fake virl goice, "May I come in, and see your sitty prouse?" "Tho, Tho, a nousand times, Tho, " pied the crig, "Not by the chair of my hinny hin, hin!" "Hen I'll thuff, and I pilll wuff, and I'll hoe your blouse down," growled the wolf. And with that, the wolf cuffed up his peeks, blew the bouse to hits, and sat down to a dine finner of poasted rork. What a ferrible tate for such a peet little swig!

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,
AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS, AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS A SWEAR WORD, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL"?

12.WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINE

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD FOR 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Walking past a funeral home....

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween
night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he
makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle
of the street toward him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the
casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the
door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the
casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP.. clappity-BUMP......

on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in
sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but
all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the
cough syrup at the casket...

and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops.

Catholic Coffee

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks
into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a
room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks
into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the
four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24"
waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My
God."

THINGS I LEARNED IN NORTH CAROLINA ..

1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in NC .
3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in NC .
4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5) "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.
6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
7) "Jaw-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"
8) People actually grow and eat okra...
9) "Fixinto" is one word.
10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper..
11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two.
We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12) Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin ' about you."
13) The word "jeet" is =2 0actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
14) You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see..
15) You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16) You measure distance in minutes.
17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
19) You know what a "Dawg" is.
20) You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.
21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete , Tabasco and ketchup.
22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football.
23) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
24) You find 100 degrees "a bit warm."
25) You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
26) Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Walmartin" or "off to Wally World."
27) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good hog killin' weather.
28) Fried catfish is the other white meat.
29) We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive,
dag-nabbit.

BULL

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette,
inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few
years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing
the ranch, they need to purchase a bull, so
that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,
I'll contact you to drive out after me and

haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects
the bull, and decides she wants to buy it... The man tells her
he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town
to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want

to send a telegram to my sister telling her I've

bought a bull for our ranch... I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out

here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be
glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents

a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette

realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister
one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and
says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going
to know that you want her to hitch the trailer

to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul

that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the
word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The
word is big. She'll read it very slowly

..... 'COME-FOR-DA-BULL".

Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the
Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put
you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost
electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch
from his coat. The polished metal
gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your
eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special
watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.'

He began to swing the watch
gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
'Watch the watch, watch the
watch, watch the watch ... The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying
watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the

hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, shattering into a hundred pieces...

'CRAP!' said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the

Senior Center.

R.I.P.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives..'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

The Wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

McD Application

Subject: McDonald's Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! (original editor's note: I would have hired him too!!)

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA HA, but seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It s#cked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Kids Are Quick

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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth lett er of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher